It's been a year, now what?
It has been over a year since my last post. WOW. I never intended to take a year off, but sometimes life happens to us in really unexpected ways and we need to take a step back. I wanted to be able to keep writing and using that as a way to help people experiencing the same thing, but it's hard to help when you're in the thick of it! So, in the last year what has happened and what have I learned?
In the last year I quit not one, but two jobs. I started therapy and then had to stop because my insurance kept changing. I did finally find a job that I love and do not mind going to everyday. Well, really I have three jobs! I am the women's specialist for Armani, wedding coordinator and social media creator for Tommy Gatz Entertainment, and an independent consultant for Arbonne. I am a busy woman who has her hands full. I have also learned about myself in a very real way.
I have always wanted to be the kind of person that inspires other people. I used to make it seem like my life, and myself, was fun, free spirited, and stress free. What a load of bullshit. I am a hot mess express. I have been faced with asking myself what I really want and come up short with an answer; multiple times. I have asked myself if I am always going to be alone and if I am the reason all of my relationships fail daily. I am indecisive and bratty. I stress about things that I should not stress about; such as if people like me, if I look stupid on social media, if maybe a guy won't like me if I act as myself. I am human and I am beyond flawed. You know what? Thats totally okay and it is even amazing because this last year was filled with so much growth I cannot even fit it into one post.
Honestly, it has only been in the last week that I have really gotten things rolling for myself and it is because a boy hurt my feelings and gave me something to really think about. He was ending things with me after about two months and when I asked why he said "we just want different things." I was floored for numerous reasons. He was ending things with me and my feelings were definitely hurt because I had been falling for him and what girl wants to find out their feelings were one sided?! I was also floored because he was telling me we wanted different things, but I did not have the slightest clue what I even wanted, so how did he know?
Whats funny about this conversation was that I really only cried for a few minutes and then I actually started to think about what he said. While I really do believe his reasons for ending things were just an excuse to avoid hurting my feelings with the real reason, I also owe him for making me ask myself what I want. Thanks to him I was able to really dive deep with myself about the things I want now. You know what I realized? I don't really want a relationship right now. I want to motivate and inspire people. I want to teach people how to live a positive lifestyle. I want to help people learn how to change their mindset. I want to build my career and follow the dreams I have always had. I want to love myself so unconditionally its insane. Maybe a relationship and a family will fit into that equation someday, but right now that's not something that is important to me.
I plan on experiencing so many things over the next year. I plan on learning and failing at many things. I plan on standing back up after those failures and trying again. I am excited about documenting that for you and showing you all how to fall up the stairs (which ironically is something that I do daily). Most of all, I am excited for you to get to know the real me and to see that it is possible to be happy after walking through hell. So here are a few photos of things I have done and people who make me happy.